The first week without your presence

Yesterday evening, I socialized with my acquaintances at a local bar, which we have frequented on numerous occasions. As I strolled along the street, I was suddenly overwhelmed by recollections of our past experiences. Despite the emotional impact, I endeavored to conceal my sentiments behind a facade of humor and cheerfulness. Subsequently, I proceeded to visit our preferred establishment, where I engaged in conversations with acquaintances and reminisced about you. While listening to music, observing my surroundings, and conversing with others, I was unable to shake the feeling of longing for you. Uncertain of whether you also yearn for my presence in your life, I recognize the necessity of releasing you from my thoughts and have taken steps to remove all traces of you from my phone and contacts. Although this decision is beneficial for my well-being, it is still a painful process. I comprehend that you do not contemplate me or my existence in your daily routine, and as much as it pains me, I must accept that your sentiments towards me were never genuine. Fortunately, since committing to severing ties with you and moving on, I have been gradually improving. While I still find myself thinking of you incessantly, I am gradually coming to terms with the notion that we may never reconnect. A quote that I cannot recall the author of, but which has been a source of encouragement for me during difficult times, states that “one must go through the storm to find peace.” I hope that both of us will eventually find solace in our respective journeys.

“If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.”

No contact, breakups and being lonely again

It has been a year since my last post, in which I discussed my experiences with depression, feelings of loneliness, and the imbalance in my life. Regrettably, despite the passage of one and a half years, my circumstances have remained unaltered and, if anything, have deteriorated.

The individual I once believed to be troubled has become a source of distress for me. Following his return to Australia approximately a week ago, he ceased communicating and providing updates on his life. The last messages I received from him were notably terse and lacking in warmth. As a result, I have been experiencing profound and uncontrollable bouts of sorrow in recent days. Yesterday, I made the definitive decision to cease engaging in these futile actions—texting, calling, and expressing concern—towards him. It is evident that he does not hold any regard for my well-being. To him, Vietnam serves as a transient stop on his journey, and I do not factor into his plans.

I am engulfed in despair and feel as though my inner self is deteriorating. I invested a significant amount of emotional energy in him, only to be left with a shattered heart. I am astounded by the callous and indifferent manner in which he has handled our parting, leaving me with unanswered queries. It is difficult for me to fathom how he could exhibit such immature behavior. My previous esteem for him has been shattered, as he has exhibited his most deplorable traits. What lesson have I gleaned from this experience? I should not devote my heart and efforts to an individual with whom I initially felt uneasy, nor should I be so accommodating that someone takes me for granted. He will never appreciate the depth of my commitment, love, and the time I invested in him.

I realize that it is futile to wish for him to come across this post and reach out to me with an explanation. Furthermore, I understand that this would not alter the situation. He continues to display a cold demeanor towards me. Regrettably, he is only cold towards me, while demonstrating warmth and generosity towards others. This reality wounds my sense of self. I am uncertain as to how long it will take for me to move on from him. I will count each passing day until my feelings for him wane and ultimately dissipate.

Life in Hanoi

Hanoi – the capital city of Vietnam. If someone has heard of Vietnam, they may know about Hanoi. It is a big city with more than 8 million, so the city is always full of noise from cars, motorbikes, and human beings’ voices. The quietest moment of this city is in the early morning when the whole city sleeps, and vendors who sell fruits and vegetables travel to the local markets on their old motorbikes. Sometimes, they honk their bikes although there are not many people on the street. I believe they do it because they cannot afford the quietness.

I have been living in this city for almost 20 years. The first time I was here, I was overwhelmed by how big and busy the city was. When the time passed, I gradually got used to with the city and now I am labeled as ‘a Hanoian’. During those years living here, do I know the city as an old friend, or is the city still a new friend to me? I have not found the answer yet.

When I am writing this, Hanoi is in the middle of the heatwave. The heat seems to let every person know its presence and summer exists. I do not want to talk about global warming because it is too scientific. Hanoi where I live but I do not know much about you.

A new beginning

After almost 8 years I started writing again on my blog. I hope this time I will keep it as my habit. I’m stuck at this stage. I don’t know where to go and what will happen to my future. I want to write something meaningful every day but all my ideas are gone at the minute I sit down and start writing.

What do I think of Hong Kong pro-democracy protest?

I have been watching and reading a variety of news about Hong Kong protest for weeks. Last week, I had an opportunity to talk with one of Hong Kong citizens when he was in Vietnam for his business trip. Right now, he spends most of his time in mainland China so I believe he has been brainwashed. During the conversation between him and me, he always pointed out that Hong Kong younger citizens were too aggressive and they were acting unreasonably. Be honest, I feel pretty uncomfortable to talk about politics because it is a sensitive topic. I hold a different opinion from that guy. I do not think that younger protestors are unreasonable. They are under so much pressure from the Chinese government and they are protecting for their human rights that the Chinese government is trying to take out from them. Like I said to that guy, past is past. Whatever happened in the past, we should not take it as a reason for today.

“One eye for one eye. Everyone will be blind”

One of the summer days in 2019

It has been a long time since the last time I wrote on this page. I promise I will write every day from today.

What happens during the time I haven’t written anything here? Actually,  there are not many things, but there is some positive news. Firstly, I have my boyfriend. Three years ago, I did not know that I would have met him on a day in the middle of the autumn. I started my relationship in a surprising way and honestly, I have ever known that I have been in a serious relationship with him for almost 3 years. Life is full of potential :). Secondly, I am getting so close to my dream. Now I am a freelancer in interpreting and translating industry. To be honest, I still feel that I am not qualified enough to apply for a big project and I think I have a lot of things that I need to learn. On some days I feel down because I do not see any working opportunity in my future. How far can I go in my career? I am questioning myself.

One of my biggest changes in the last 3 years is my emotional improvement. It is believed that EQ is much more important than IQ and most of the famous people in the world have better EQ. I don’t know about it but I think I have this kind of intelligent. I have improved the way of making conversation with people, how to listen and understand others (putting their shoes on) and how to avoid destroying people’s feeling.

 

 

Brief thought in a hot day

Visited my teacher in Viet Phap Hospital and then hearing a story of a mother. She has 4 very cute daughters from 3 to 15 years old. Now she is pregnant. She doesn’t stop having a baby unless she has a boy. At this moment, I felt very bad because she wants to have a boy,  not a baby. Fortunately, she and her husband are rich enough to nurture 5 kids. Indeed, I feel so terrible. As a consequence,  gender equality a dream of humanity and sadly, women keep it as a legacy.

http://www.today.com/parents/couple-annouce-4th-baby-make-adorable-video-tell-folks-forget-t15941

In the Saturday’s afternoon

Now it is Saturday’s afternoon. It is the same Saturdays in my life. Nothing is special. I’m sitting on a small chair, wearing a well dress and gazing out of the window while I’m typing my diary for a boring afternoon.

I often tell to Ms Yen that you need to write diary everyday, wrtie everything you want. I cannot believe that you cannot write anything. To be honest, if I have to do it everyday, i cannot do it (I have no idea)

Hmm…let’s me see. I don’t have any idea. On these rough days, I have something to tell you. But today I don’t have anything to tell you. Ah as normally, I lose all my energy and my ambitition. I don’t know why i cannot make me active. I have a burden of money and career however i don’t care. I just sit on a small brown wooden chair and watch many video (films, documentaries…) everyday. How boring my life is ?

Thoughts on rough days of my life

Dear myself,

I’m writing to you on these most hard days of my life. I have many questions need you to answer me, but I know both of us are not able to answer these.

I’m living in mess which I have made it. I have ever imaged that there is one day my life is dire. What would happen if I still worked in bank. I don’t know. I have no idea. Today, when I was talking with a Neitherland man (an English teacher), i suddenly realized how frustrated I feel with my career right now. I have put me in the situation and now i don’t know how to step put or step up.

I’m at my office. Everyday I spend money and earn small money. I’m here right now because I don’t want to go home, see my mom, face with the same questions which she asks me everyday “How is your job ?” or “How much money do you save?” I want to hide or go somewhere.

Finding new students is a challenging task. I have tried different ways however it hasn’t brought positive results. I see the future of my career. it’s not bright, unclear and risk.

There is a thing I need to do now: Take a certificate with high score. Before that I have to earn money to take care of my life, pay money back to my sister and provide money for my office. I’m really stuck.

My private life is also a mess. It’s complicated. I miss a man but I know it leads nowhere (no commiment, no future. It’s fun and relax). This afternoon, I saw the need from that teacher. How a man can see me with this view. What he thinks in his small head. It’s sick and tired. They and snakes are the same. I hate them. Sometimes, I think I’m not a good girl however I don’t regret. If I chose second time, I would do it again eventhough I made mistakes. i really want to forget them. Frédéric, I miss your arms and I miss the feeling when I’m with you. It’s quite and peaceful eventhough I know that we are strangers with each other. I need someone in my lonely nights and don’t know how to face with them. You show up. That’s enough for me. I wish you would stay by me for a long time but i know it’s my wish, my dream. Today, i heard you will come to Hanoi. I’m so excited but I couldn’t stay with you. I’m really disappointed. You are smart old man and i believe you understand what I need from you. Actually, you don’t care about it. We just meet at nights and say goodbye in the early next mornings. Should I expect in the relationship ? I’m not disappointed you, I’m up set with my self much more. What I am doing with my life ? Could you help me ? Noone can help me. If tearing made everything fine, i would cry all days however there is no magics in our life. Reality has killed my dreams. I have no dreams, no expectations, just existing. How poor I am

What happens next ?

A Letter to My Children About Fifty Shades of Grey

A Letter to My Children About Fifty Shades of Grey